It's damn good to have friends

I recieved the best damn birthday present ever this year. It didn't come in a box. There were no tags to rip from its package. Actually there was no package, no recipt. I feel as though I belong again. I've not felt like this since the middle of high school.

Where did this feeling come from? Like everything else that has been worth while in my life, it came from a risk. The next month will be an interesting time. I don't fully know what the outcome will be, but whatever happens I'm willing to be it will be good.

My big three-oh was about two weeks ago. I did a hell of a lot for it this year! We had two days of cake at work, lunch, karaoke, and a dinner night. What I always used to love about this time of year when I was a teen was having people over just for a good time. The b-day itself was not the focus. Thats what it felt like. I took care of the people around me, watched them smile, and laugh and enjoy. That meant a lot to me.

The best feeling had to be on the day of. I came home from work and made the best damn steak recipe ever. Steak frites with peppercorn sauce and peas. Now that is a treat. Being there with the ingredients in my hands..turning them into something more. The feel of the defrosted meat, the smell of the pepper, the thick viscous demiglace, the acid of wine coming together.

There are a lot of moments I miss being young and small. I've thought about this a lot in the past few years. What would it be like, to wake up being 5 years old again? Stuffed bear in hand, toddling down the stairs. If I could snap my fingers and go back in time, would I? Would I go back and try to find a way not to go through the pain of being bullied? What would I be like now if I did? I think perhaps for a day I would be happy, and then I would miss my life now. I would then miss the independence. So much joy, so much hurt, struggle.